One fourth Metal Author
by Kid-author
Summary: To obtain, something of equal value need not be lost. This is Fan Fiction’s first law of Author Power. Usually. There’s a catch. There’s always a catch. At long last, an update!
1. Those Who Challenged the Pun

Disclaimer (Must I write one?): I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, anime, manga, or otherwise. (I don't even own FMA merchandise.) That is the property of the esteemed Arakawa Hiromu. I own the main characters and parodies of the cast of Full Metal Alchemist.

Warning: This is a parody. Some (Read: Most) characters have been changed slightly (Read: Bastardized). May contain crossovers. Story not to be taken internally, but go ahead and do it. Let me know how it tastes.

Episode 1: Those Who Challenged the Pun

People can gain something without giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value need not be lost. This is Fan Fiction's first law of Author Power. Usually. There's a catch. There's _always_ a catch.

Inside a house…

Two children, a boy and a girl, sat on opposite sides of an octagram (eight sided star inside a magic circle), which had been drawn in crayon. They scribbled furiously at a large scroll. The girl, who was the younger of the two, asked, "Why can't we talk again?"

The boy shushed her. "Quiet! In order to maintain maximum crypticness and mysteriousness, we must not say anything!

"Crypticness isn't a word!"

"Yes it is!"

The eight-sided star began to glow.

Outside…

A storm was taking place. A cloaked figure stood on the hill overlooking the house, staring into the window, trying to catch a glimpse of what was happening inside. Unfortunately, since he was standing on higher ground, a lighting bolt struck him.

Inside the house…

"Fck! Get this thing off me!"

The scroll had grown to ten times its normal size and it was foaming at the mouth. The paper actually attacked the two children, completely engulfing the young girl, and dragging the boy into its mass by the leg.

_Gee,_ the boy thought. _And here I always believed I was going to die re-enacting a stunt from Jackass. _

Years later…

The mayor of Forsaken Desert Town, an old, graying, _very_ senile old man, put his arm around his dog. "Son, do you know why I built this town in the middle of the desert, where there is no water?"

The dog decided to humor him. It barked questioningly.

"Because some guy on the street told me I couldn't do it. So I built a town in the middle of the desert. Everyone who came to live in it died from thirst. So, I built another one. Everyone died from thirst, and then the town burst into flames from the sheer heat. Then I built another one. Someone stole it in the middle of the night. Now, in retrospect, that "press to steal town" button wasn't a very good idea. So I built another one, and this time, some dude saying he was sent by the Sun god Leto came and provided the town with resources and water. And now…

While he was talking, the dog had alerted the proper authorities in a Lassiesque conversation. ("What, boy? There's an old psycho somewhere? Take me to him, boy!) The men in white were taking the crazy old man away. The old man, however, seemed unaware. He grabbed the hands of one of the men in white.

"Someday, son, this will all be yours."

Outside of town…

"_Ed_, are we there yet?"

"Don't call me Ed, _Al_."

"How many times do I have to tell you, it's Alice!"

"Then don't call me Ed. My name is Edan!"

If anyone stupid enough had walked out into the desert in the middle of the day, they would have seen two strange looking people arguing. One of them was a young girl in her early teens wearing a pair of glasses with large, round lenses. She was short and sickly looking. She seemed to have a metal arm and a leg, although the leg was just plating from the False Fake Leg co. ("Proudly supplying those too wussy to lose a leg the normal way for 50 years!")

The other person, a slightly older boy, couldn't have been human. The fact that he was wearing a suit and coat in 100 degree weather should have been indication enough. If this was not odd enough, he also had tattoos of chain links all over his body. The teen carried a large backpack. He also needed a haircut, badly.

When they entered the small, formerly forsaken desert town (the renaming ceremony was scheduled for next week), the two noticed that statues of various sizes had been placed everywhere alongside radios: on windowsills, outside buildings, in streets, by walls, and around people's necks. These people struggled under the heavy burdens, their necks constantly bent and their mouths constantly remarking about the poor quality of their shoes. The largest of the statues were positioned around a water fountain in the middle of the city. The sculptures all depicted a clown in a toga blowing a raspberry. In one hand, it held a staff topped with a sun insignia, and in the other hand, a toilet.

Needless to say, the two teens were snickering the entire time that they were walking through the town.

They stopped at a quaint little café for lunch. Edan didn't eat. He never ate. Suddenly…

A high pitched voice said, "Testing, testing, one, two, three…three…er, what comes after three?…three, four. I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle…" This display went on until three hours, until a deeper voice interrupted in the middle of "London Bridge is Falling Down."

"Who the heck are you? Get away from that microphone! Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. The sermon will continue as scheduled. Ahem. My children, have faith, and thou shalt be saved. The sun god, Leto, brightens thy path…"

Alice whispered to Edan. "Isn't Leto the goddess who gave birth to Artemis and Apollo?"

"Yes, I believe so."

The broadcast continued… "…and ask yourselves, 'What would Leto do?'"

"Get a sex change operation and disown her kids, apparently." The girl giggled. Then, Alice motioned to the waiter.

"Excuse me, who is that on the radio?"

"Are you deaf, kid? That's Father Cornello, Leto's messenger."

"Who?"

The other customers crowded around her. "Father Cornello, the founder of Letoism!" They said. "He showed us the path of the Sun god! He has the power of miracles!"

Alice covered her ears quickly. If they broke into a musical number, she would scream. "I'm an atheist." She tugged on Edan's coat. "I think we should leave now."

"Right." In his haste to leave, he accidentally knocked over the radio. A truck from the Big Heavy Rock Company burst a tire on one of the loose screws. It skidded out of control, crashing into a house and dropping its load. The boulder it was carrying destroyed three nearby houses and knocked over an occupied outhouse. It then took out a wall. It took the wall out to a movie, but after that they never dated again. No one knows what happened at the theater.

"Look what you did!" The restaurant owner yelled. "It's all because you're wearing that stupid oversized backpack."

Edan addressed the owner of the restaurant. "Relax. We'll have it fixed in a moment."

"Fixed?"

Edan didn't reply. He was drawing an octagram around the remains of the radio. From his pocket, he produced a piece of paper and an old fountain pen. The teen quickly scribbled something on the paper. Grasping the parchment between his index and middle fingers, he held it over the broken radio. There was a flash of light. When everything cleared up, the radio was in one piece again.

The restaurant owner, the passerby, and the guy in the outhouse were speechless.

"The power of miracles!"

"Are they also prophets of Leto?"

"It's some type of sign from above!"

"Hey, we're out of TP."

"Aw, man. I must be totally sloshed."

Alice sweatdropped. "No, you misunderstand. We're authors." She hopped down from her stool. "Just call us the Elrics."

"I've heard of you! An author of the state is called Elric. I believe her official title was '¼ Metal'?"

Alice went berserk. "NO, IT ISN'T!"

A thought suddenly occurred to Edan. Hoisting Alice onto his shoulders, he began sprinting away from the café.

"Where are we going?" Alice watched the world go by in a blur.

Edan cleared a fence in one long jump. "Anywhere. Just so long as we get away before the townspeople realize we haven't fixed all the houses we wrecked."


	2. Enter Cornello

A heartfelt thanks to everyone who reviewed. I don't have to tell you that I don't own Full Metal Alchemist, do I?

"Okay." said Edan. "I think we're safe."

They were hiding behind the counter of the Religious Supplies store. Both siblings sported a pair of fake mustaches and spectacles. The owner had gone on lunch break. Oh, he was still inside the store, of course. In fact, he was watching the authors' every move. But, he was still on break, so it wasn't his problem. Yet.

Alice removed the pathetic disguise. "Right. Back to business, then." She thought for a moment. "Why are we here again?"

"To look for a stone of some sort, I think."

They wondered in silence until someone come into the shop. She was a young girl about Edan's age (17). Her name was Violet. Whether she had been named after the purple bangs in her otherwise brown hair, or vice versa, nobody knows.

"Good afternoon, sir!" She said to Edan, who was still wearing his disguise.

"Er, good afternoon…"

"I'd like to buy some supplies for an offering, please."

"Miss, I'm not the one you should be asking."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Just watch." Edan removed the disguise.

"Dear Leto, you've ripped off your mustache! Doesn't that hurt?"

Edan sighed, and then motioned to the shopkeeper. "Aren't you going to do anything about this?"

He shrugged. "My break's not over yet."

Later…

"Have a good day, and may Leto always watch over you!" Violet left with her supplies, humming a cheerful tune.

Alice took out a silver stopwatch. "So, what's her story?" She asked the shopkeeper.

"What's it worth to ya?"

Alice switched to berserk mode again. "You tell me, or I'll reduce this shop to a pile of RUBBLE!" She clapped her hands together. From her sleeves and coat scores of small pieces paper flew out, affixing themselves to the floor and ceiling.

"Did some of those come out of your top and skirt?"

"Oh, shut up. Now, prepare yours-MMPH!" Edan dragged her out of the store.

Father Cornello, the founder of Letoism, was an elderly man. At age 70, his face was covered in wrinkles, and his eyes bore deep laughter creases. Cornello wore the black robes of a stereotypical anime religious leader, which did nothing to hide his considerable gut.

At the moment, he was holding his daily "show off my powers parade". Cornello marched through the city, flanked by his loyal followers and his sycophantic cronies. Flowers rained from the sky, along with the occasional poor fool that had been commissioned to drop them from the tops of buildings.

The founder caught one in his hands (a flower, not a poor fool) and cupped his hands around it. There was a flash of light, and suddenly it became a snapping turtle, which promptly went on a toe biting rampage.

The crowd cheered anyway.

500 yards away, Edan watched the whole thing through binoculars. Alice was looking at the parade nearby.

"What do you think, big brother?" She called Violet over.

"It's author power. Without a doubt. Take it from the experts, Violet. Your prophet is a fake."

"But, that passage didn't obey the law."

"The law?" Violet could feel the familiar burning sensation of her brain be loaded with too much information.

"To the uninitiated, Author Power is an incredibly powerful skill that allows you to create or do anything, regardless of how impossible it would normally be. However, there are limits to an author's abilities. One important rule is the Law of Manifestation. If you use a description to create something that doesn't have a physical form, reality will only make a guess at what this thing really is. For example, if you tried to create a weasel-dragon hybrid, you would most likely get a dragon with tiny, fuzzy claws. The only possible way to bypass this is to make a very specific description, and sometimes not even that works.

Furthermore, a rather complex passage, such as creating a living thing, requires some type of energy source. That's why laptops have become so popular. The passage can derive its energy directly from the battery.

Lastly, some things are simply too impossible for even Authors to create, such as gods or singing sock puppets."

Alice looked around. Everyone within hearing distance had disappeared. She could hear the faint sound of crickets chirping. "Curse them all." She thought for a moment. "But, make Edan bump his shin on something painful, instead."

The member of Leto's church grunted with exertion as he tried in vain to push open the overly large doors to Father Cornello's chambers. Why on earth had the priest made his doors so incredibly heavy? Was he trying to keep people out? The clergyman stopped to catch his breath. It was impossible. No man alive could open these… door-fiends! Then he caught sight of the signs over the entrance. "Push."

The clergyman entered to find that all the lights in the room had been turned out, except for one small lightbulb. What little illumination it provided revealed Cornello, sitting behind an expensive looking desk, stroking a stuffed cat.

"Good evening, founder."

"Is it, Bradley? I have received news that you failed your mission."

"Sir, I just started working here today. I-"

"Excuses do not please me, Bradley. And neither do failures."

"Sir, have you been forgetting to recap the white-out bottles again?"

"What matters is what you have been doing, Bradley. I have a new task for you. Bring the Elric siblings to this church and have them killed. Do not fail me again, or I shall have you canned. That is, I shall have you tied down, so that people may throw canned squash at you."

"But, sir-"

"Begone."

"Father Cornello."

"Begone."

"Sir-"

"Begone."

"Oh, forget it."


	3. Game Over, or Continue?

Bless you reviewers! By the way, I don't own Hellsing. That belongs to Kouta Hirano.

"You three are in luck. The founder is normally a very busy man, but you've caught him at a good time."

Several heavily armed clergymen (a priest and two monks) led the Elric siblings and Violet through the Church of Leto to Father Cornello's room. They insisted that their weapons, a high powered revolver and glaives, were decoration ("They're made of plastic!") as they loaded and sharpened them.

Alice smiled sweetly. "Don't worry. We won't be here long."

The clergyman with the revolver pointed his gun to Edan's head. One of the other monks restrained Alice in a bear hug while the other put his glaive to her throat. Violet put her hands to her mouth in shock.

The priest smirked at Edan. Then he paused. This kind of ploy worked so rarely, he couldn't think of anything to say. Let's see. It had to relevant to the situation at hand, but it also had to make him look cool. Chicks dig guys with guns. Hmm. "Prepare yourself" might be a bit overused. "Time to die" was always good, but not exactly relevant to the situation. Hmm…

"Alright, it's the name of a movie." Alice began doing a series of intricate ballet movements.

"Dancing...it has something to do with dancing!" the first monk said eagerly.

"Ooh! Is it _Save the Last Dance_?" Violet always began guessing before anyone else.

The gun wielding priest shouted, "I've got it!" He smirked. Again. The monks restrained Alice. Again. Violet put her hands to her mouth in shock. Again. "No, you won't be here long at all." He shot Edan with the revolver, blowing his head clean off.

Violet shrieked. "Why are you doing this!"

"These two are heretics. It is Leto's will that they be slain."

"Then Leto is not as merciful or good as everyone says." Edan's body grabbed the gun and snapped off the trigger. He then tested its weight in his hands. "Odd. This doesn't feel like your face." He felt around blindly, grabbing hold of Violet. "Gotcha!"

"Hold on a minute, it's me-"

"Die, you zealots!" He swung Violet like a club, knocking out two of the clergymen. Alice took care of the third with an elbow to the chin. Followed by a mallet to the head. Then, a ruler across the face. And for good measure, an air rifle pulled out of nowhere, at point blank range. She almost shot _his_ eye out. Edan then dropped the girl. "Did I get them all?"

Alice gently put Edan's head back on his neck. The wound mended itself quickly. "Yes, and even more so!"

"What do you mean?"

"Nevermind."

Violet didn't wake up for half an hour. When she did, she had many questions to ask.

"What the hell are you!" The girl cowered against a wall. "Demons? Witches? Clowns? How did you get your head back on?"

Alice looked uncomfortable. "This is how the gods punish those that trespass on their territory." She stood, head bowed, for at least another half hour. The wind picked up, and her coat billowed dramatically behind her. This was, of course, a result of the lack of maintenance on the church. Many of the walls were riddled with holes, and to say that there was a terrible draft would be an understatement. The two authors walked off toward Cornello's quarters in silence.

Violet suddenly realized something. "Hey, you didn't explain anything!"

Alice kicked open the doors to the founder's room. As soon as she entered, she knew it was a trap. For starters, the doors slammed shut behind the two writers. Second, the room was completely dark. Also, "Kamen Shinpu to Chapel no Kane" was playing in the background. But, most important of all, there was a sign outside that said "This is a trap!"

Suddenly, the lights switched on, revealing the founder of Letoism standing at the back of the room. "Welcome to our holy church. Have you come to learn our teachings?"

"Hardly. I came to learn why you're tricking your followers with Author Powers." Alice rolled up her sleeves.

"Author Powers? Why whatever do you mean?"

"What I don't understand," she continued, "is how you write passages that bypass the basic laws."

"That's why I said that I wasn't using Author Powers."

The girl smiled wryly. "The Deus ex Machina stone. It's on that ring of yours, isn't it, Cornello?"

The priest laughed heartily. "I would expect no less from a writer of the state. Yes, this is the legendary amplifier."

"I've been looking for that stone."

"Oh? And what would you do with it? Become rich and famous?"

"I could ask the same of you. Are you using the stone to become rich?"

"I get as much money as I want from the donations of my believers. No, I am doing this to gain followers, loyal followers who would throw away their lives for me! An army with no fear of death, whose soldiers believe that they will be resurrected! I will lead this army to battle, and this country will be mine! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

As the priest laughed maniacally, lightning flashed in the background, obliterating most of the room. Cornello looked around at all of the destruction he had caused. "Whoops."

Meanwhile, Edan was sleeping peacefully on the floor.

"Here's the way it's going to be, Father. If you don't surrender that stone, me and my brother-Edan! Wake up!- will tell everyone that you're a fake!"

"HA! As if those fools would believe you!"

"Maybe they won't believe us, but they will believe Vio-" Alice looked around the room. "Uh oh. We forgot Violet!"

The girl ran outside, shouting "Hold that thought!"

There was an awkward silence. Edan cleared his throat. Cornello cleared his throat.

"She seems nice."

"Well, yeah. She's basically a good kid, except for those times when she gets… you know."

"Wait, you mean PM-"

"No! No. God, no. I meant to say that she has a really wicked temper."

"Oh."

"So, you've been doing this Author of the State thing for quite a while, huh?"

"Eh, only a couple years."

"How is it?"

"Well, the pay and benefits are always good, and there's never a dull moment. Well, except for the occasional mountains of paperwork you have to fill out."

"Heh, you're preaching to the choir."

Alice burst into the room with Violet in tow.

"Right! As I was saying, maybe they won't believe her, but they will believe…" The ¼ Metal Author realized what she was saying. "Darn. I'll come in again." She burst into the room again. "Maybe they won't believe us, but they will believe her!" Alice grinned at Edan. "Did I get it right?"

"Yeah."

"Moving on, then." Violet looked Father Cornello in the eye. She spoke as she read a detailed list of what the priest had said in the last 15 minutes, including the plan to take over the country. "Founder! Is this true? Was the power of miracles just a lie? You weren't going to bring Kain back?"

"Kain?"

"My fiancée. He…died in an accident last year."

There was another awkward silence. Alice pulled a notepad out of nowhere. She flipped the pages to a sheet marked "Awkward Silences" and added another tally mark.

The founder smirked. "Perhaps Letoism was a lie. However, with the power of this stone, there is a possibility that your fiancée could be resurrected!"

"Violet, don't listen to him!" Alice grabbed her hand.

"Be a good child and rejoin Leto."

"Violet, please."

"Join the Dark Side, Violet!" Cornello had deepened his voice and was wheezing into his hands.

"No!" Violet screamed at the top her lungs. "Kain…He wouldn't want this. He would hate it if he was given life again at the cost of so many other people. I'm going tell everyone the truth, because that's what Kain would have wanted."

"Well, crap." Cornello cracked his knuckles. "Time for plan B, then." He waved his left hand across Violet's face. "You do not remember anything that happened here."

Violet's eyes glazed over. "I… do not remember…" She blinked and looked around the room. "Wha…Where am I! Who are you people!" She left the room screaming.

The founder smiled smugly. "Now that the distraction has been taken care of, time to purge my religion of you heretics." He pressed a button on the wall, and "Hisshou Myouhou Renge Kyoku" began playing in the background. Cornello pulled a switch. Someone in the distance screamed loudly. "Oops. Wrong switch." He pulled a second switch. One of the walls split in half, revealing a terrible beast.

It was comprised of parts from three creatures. The head was a massive, vicious lion, the body was that of an eagle's, and at the lower end, a scaly green snake's tail, colored sickly green. However, it had no legs. Cornello was aghast. "But, my beast was not supposed to look like…"

"Ha! I told you! The Law of Manifestation must always be taken into account! You should have caught my lecture earlier. But noooo… nobody ever listens. Well, now look at your pitiful beast! You tried to make a new species character, didn't you?"

"Alice…"

"Just a sec. "I'll bet you wish that you had described it better-"

"Alice."

"-you cheap, third rate fanfic author. Maybe-"

"Alice!" Edan shook her gently.

"What!"

While she was gloating, the beast had wriggled over to the Authors. It bared its massive fangs and lunged. Panicking, Alice threw her hand over her face. CLANG!

The character gnawed at the girls arm, but its grip kept slipping. She grinned. "What's wrong, pussycat? You seem unable to keep hold of me." The girl waved her free hand and a few leaves of paper affixed themselves to the floor. She snapped her fingers, and suddenly, a battering ram ripped through the floor, slamming into the beast's midsection. The creature was hurled to the opposite end of the room.

Smiling with satisfaction, Alice tore off the shreds of her sleeve, revealing a mechanical arm.

"Human fanfiction…" Cornello muttered. "The punishment of the gods on those who would trespass on the domain of the celestial ones." He laughed to himself. "So, that's why they call her the ¼ Metal Author. That's automail, artificial limbs of steel."

"Who are you talking to?"

"Er, nevermind."

With a clap of her hands, Alice covered the floor and walls with paper.

"These two have committed the ultimate crime! There once was a hero who flew too close to the sun. His wax wings melted, and he fell to his death."

"Stop that! You're scaring me."

**Flashback…**

"Alice! Look at this!" A much younger Edan, devoid of chain tattoos, waved a scroll excitedly at his younger sister.

"What is it, big brother?" A smaller Alice, as frail-looking as always (In fact, at the moment, she had a cold), was reading through a massive book.

"This theory! We can use it to bring mom back."

**Present day…**

Gazing wistfully off into space, Edan spoke. "Even if we knew that type of fanfiction was forbidden, we had to try, for the sake of seeing her smile one last time."

"Big brother! Not you, too! Who are you talking too, anyway?"

**Flashback…**

"The passage failed. My sister lost her appendix and gallbladder. I lost my body. Everything went black. When I came too, there was Alice, sprawled in a pool of her own blood. She was missing an arm."

"I'm so sorry, big brother." She said weakly. "I just barely managed to affix your soul to a character's body…"

"Sis, why? Why would you do this to yourself?"

"I..." She made a gagging noise. Her eyes rolled back in her head, and she went limp.

**TIME PARADOX!** **Alice is dead. **

She made a gagging noise and went limp. But, she was still barely breathing.

**End Flashback. **

"So that's why you want the Deus ex Machina stone! To bring your parent back!"

"Don't get me wrong, Father! We want our bodies back, that's all."

Cornello changed a chunk of the wall into a gatling gun.

"I think its time to go." The ¼ Metal Author chuckled nervously.

"Agreed." They ran for the door. Edan, being bulletproof, went after Alice.

Outside, the writers found an angry mob, complete with torches and pitchforks, waiting for them. Alice mentally went through 17 different developments. None of them ended happily. One of them ended with Edan and her being turned into rabbits.

"We're in trouble." She said.

"Agreed."

Hisshou Myouhou Renge Kyoku (fight music, basically) and Kamen Shinpu to Chapel no Kane (horror movie organ music) are both songs from Hellsing. Just thought you'd like to know.


	4. The Way of the Plot Device

When we last left our heroes, they were surrounded by a mob of angry, torch and/or pitchfork toting people. Father Cornello had obviously gotten to them before the authors and fed them some lies about the Elrics being evil. Cartoon laws dictate that angry mobs trump any person or being ("X") that they've assembled against, (except God, but that's a given), so the writers were in it deep. Nonetheless, Alice attempted to reason with the people.

"Now, I don't know what Cornello has told you, (How did he get here before us, anyway?) but let me just say, in our defense, that Letoism is a crock, and Cornello is a cheap, two-bit author using the Deus ex Machina stone."

The angry mob became angrier.

"Silence, you infidels!"

"Stop spreading your lies!"

"How dare you tarnish the good name of the Founder!"

"Leave our religion and community alone, scum!"

"Think of the children!"

"Get outta town, ya dang commies!"

"Is this the AA meeting?"

Suddenly, the entire block darkened. Many of the townspeople screamed and started running. Alice raised an eyebrow. "Did we do that?" Edan pointed upwards.

"No." He said simply.

The ¼ Metal Author turned around. Towering over her was a particularly large specimen of a Leto statue.

"Oh, dear."

**Two pain-filled hours later…**

There are many things no one should ever wake up to. A naked stranger of the opposite sex, a naked stranger of the same sex, and anyplace that isn't where you went to sleep are some prime examples. However, Alice awoke to something that trumps all of these: Father Cornello's face.

With a shriek, Alice recoiled from the priest. Well, she would have, had she not been shackled to a wooden board.

Cornello smirked. "And good morning to you too, Ms. Elric."

"Where am I?" The room seemed to be made completely of stone, except for a switch on the wall next to Cornello. There were no windows, and the only way out was through an iron door in the wall farthest from her.

"You are in a dungeon far underneath the Church of Leto, where you will be kept to make sure you do not interfere with my plans again."

A thought has suddenly occurred to the Author. "Oh my gosh, you didn't violate me or anything while I was unconscious, did you?"

"No! Why would you think that?"

"How to start? You are a cruel, evil, megalomaniacal false priest who plans to use thousands of innocent people to achieve his selfish ambitions, and I'm a helpless, innocent, and attractive young girl."

"You? Right, and incontinent stoats are flying out of my toilet. Now, where were we? Oh, that's right!" Cornello flipped the switch. A device that appeared to be a ray-gun appeared from the ceiling. It fired a laser beam onto the wooden board between the writer's legs. The beam moved slowly upward, toward Alice. Needless to say, things would not be pretty when the laser reached her.

"Do you expect me to talk, Cornello?"

The priest adopted his best villain voice. "No, Ms. Elric. I expect you to die."

The beam was making steady progress. Alice blinked away a few drops of sweat that were threatening to trickle into her eyes. _How am I going to get out of this one? Wait. I have a plot device hidden in my hair band. It can be used to escape virtually anything. If only I could get Father Cornello to turn away for a few minutes…_

"Look, a UFO!" Alice yelled.

"I'm not buying that."

"Oh, no! It's a three-headed dragon!"

"Nice try."

"Please. Please turn around, if just for a minute."

"You're getting desperate, huh?"

"There's a situation outside that requires you to turn around this instant."

"There is?" Father Cornello turned around.

The ¼ Metal Author closed her eyes and focused. Tiny glowing letters began to appear on the hair band. _Five minutes later…_

**Five minutes later… **

The priest turned back to Alice, only to find her free. And holding a large silver mallet with the State Author insignia carved into it. With great effort, she lifted it over her head and brought it down. WHAM.

The ¼ Metal Author walked off, whistling. She quickly jogged back into view, accompanied by Edan. "Oh, and Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy Hanukkah to all you readers!"


	5. Potential Plotline

If you believe that I own Full Metal Alchemist, I have a bridge to sell you. A gold plated bridge.

When Alice was younger, Edan had taken her to see a movie about a treasure hunter. Out of all the scenes in the film, the one she remembered best was an incident in which the hero was chased down a mile-long, booby-trapped hall by the guardian of the treasure. Although the scene was intended to be a tense one, Alice couldn't help chuckling at the protagonist, sprinting down the corridor, with panic written on his face, leaping over traps, and shrieking as the beast nipped at his heels.

The fact that she was in the exact same situation made her want to scream, curse, and consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, there was some kind of higher power. One that was intent on driving her mad, no less.

Father Cornello had recovered with amazing speed for someone of his age (and girth). In a mere four minutes, he had recovered from the blow to his head, summoned another character (a manticore-like mixture of scorpion, lion and jabberwocky) to sic on Alice, and finished his taxes ahead of time. And now his efficiency was making the ¼ Metal Author miserable.

As she ran for her life, Alice tried to remember: how did the hero get past the guardian? _Let's see…_ She chewed her lip thoughtfully. _He tossed an obstacle in the monster's way…and the monster stumbled on it, and… fell on him. So much for that idea…What to do? Maybe if I keep moving, I'll run into something that can help me. _

Suddenly, everything went dark.

Alice awoke to Edan staring at her. She threw his arms around him in a tight embrace.

"You're okay! But, how did you escape being captured by those statues?"

"Well…"

Ten Minutes later…

"And then, the broken statues combined to make a gargantuan, three-headed stone beast!" said Edan, spreading his arms for emphasis. "It was no small feat to kill that thing, but they didn't make me an author of the state for nothing!"

"Very amusing. Seriously, what happened?"

"They destroyed themselves trying to chase me through an alleyway…"

Touching the bump on her forehead gingerly, Alice asked her brother another question.

"What happened to me? One moment, I was running for my life, then the next, I'm somewhere else. And what happened to that character Cornello released?" She noticed that they were in another room.

"You ran into that wall." Edan was pointing outside, to a badly cracked part of the hallway. The imprint on the wall was a perfect replica of Alice's moniker. "As for Cornello's character…"

In another part of Leto's church, Brother Maurice was trying to concentrate on his studies about his religion. But distractions kept on coming up. First, it was those stupid kids throwing eggs at his window. Then, it was that flying pig outside the window. Now, someone was banging on the wall!

Maurice threw open the door. "Keep it down, out there! Some of us have work to do! Are you actually _trying_ to knock down this church? I should…"

The words died in his throat as he realized what he was looking at. Some type of strange, lion-like creature was pouncing at the wall. It rammed its head again and again, until it was finally knocked unconscious. Maurice had been drinking tea as he studied from the Book of Leto. He rushed into his room and grabbed the mug from his desk. Maurice threw its contents out the window, showering the kids outside (who had returned with more eggs) with Earl Grey. He then thoroughly examined the mug for any trace of a hallucinogen.

Our heroes, in the meantime, were trying to decide their next move.

"Ok. Somehow, someway, we have to expose Cornello for the fraud that he is. But how?" As she paced the hallway, an idea came to Edan. "I've got it!"

The next day…

"And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I will prove that this man, Father Cornello, has been misleading you all with his false religion!" Edan was dressed smartly in a navy blue suit.

Many of the people of (Formerly) Forsaken Desert Town had gathered inside the 43rd Street Courthouse to witness the case of the _Elrics v. Cornello_. All were dressed in their best clothes: suits, slacks, and Sunday dresses. Edan had come up with the idea to use the law against the false priest, in order to prove his crimes to the townspeople. And he was sure that his plan would succeed. Using the similarities between Author Power and the Power of Miracles, the Elrics were sure to win the case.

After the trial…

The ¼ Metal Author sat dejectedly on the curb outside the courthouse.

"I can't believe they found out that I wasn't a real lawyer."

Sitting next to her, Edan put a comforting arm over her shoulder.

"I told you we should have used the neck brace." He removed the medical support from his backpack and showed it to her.

Alice stared at him incredulously. "In any case, we can't give up! We'll show the world the truth about this sleazebag or my name isn't Alice Marie Elric!

The girl ran off before Edan could inquire whether her middle name actually was Marie. She confronted Cornello, who had just exited the courthouse.

"So, Father, what do you say to a little wager? You against me in a contest of my choice! If I win, you have to admit you are a fake!"

Cornello smiled slyly.

Later on…

"Cinderella, dressed in bella, went upstairs to kiss a fella!" Alice didn't have many talents, apart from writing. But one thing she prided herself on was her talent for jumping rope.

So why on earth was she losing a jump rope contest to a crazy old man? While she was beginning to tire, Cornello mocked her, while jumping on one foot!

Needless to say, the not-so-good father defeated Alice soundly.

In a great display of immaturity, the Priest stuck his tongue out at the Elrics.

"Don't you understand that it's useless to continue trying to show these fools the truth? These fools are merely my pawns! They will believe anything I tell them, and will gladly die for me, believing that they will be restored. Give up, you brats!"

Edan smiled and straightened his arm. With a click, a tape recorder appeared in his hands. He pressed the "play" button.

"Raindrops keep fallin' on my head…"

The elder Elric rewound the tape sheepishly. "Whoops. Let's try that again."

He pressed the button again.

"These fools are merely my pawns!"

Cornello was beyond aghast. He was beyond shocked. He was…gobsmacked. (An actual word.) "You brats…you…"

"Recorded everything you said?"

The priest leapt at Edan, shouting, "I'll kill you!"

The author calmly dodged and tossed the recorder to Alice, shouting cheerfully, "Take it straight to the radio station! I'm sure it will make today's broadcast particularly good!"

The girl ran off with Cornello at her heels, mocking the father all the while.

Still later on…

The founder finally cornered Alice in the last room in the second floor. He flicked his wrist and the ring on his hand sparked. Cornello was suddenly armed with a machine gun. He menaced her with the weapon.

"There's no escape now, you little punk. Why don't you make it easy on yourself and hand over the tape?"

"I can't…" Alice shifted uncomfortably in her seat, which really was the room's desk. "I dropped it and the tape broke."

The father broke into uproarious laughter. "Hahahaha! You dropped it? You little idiot! I have to thank you. You saved me a lot of work! Now those fools will never know that I have deceived them! They'll never know that Leto is a crock, and they'll conquer this country in the name of a false god! Hahahaha!"

The ¼ Metal Author grinned catlike.

"What's so funny?"

She moved to reveal the microphone beside her. The microphone that was switched _on._ "Who's laughing now?"

She leapt gracefully from the desk. Outside, the townspeople had heard Cornello's broadcast and were talking amongst themselves.

"So now, dear father, you see why good will always win, because evil is dumb."

Alice skipped gaily out of the room. Edan met her outside.

"So, how did everything go?"

"As well as could be expected." As she said this, the radio station behind her crashed to the ground. Out of the rubble rose a Leto statue, with Cornello riding on its shoulder.

"Nevermind."

The priest bore a crazed expression. "I'll crush you both!"

Alice waved her arms and the statue was covered in paper.

Cornello's crazed look was replaced with a skeptical one. "That's the third time you've pulled that trick. Does it actually do anything, besides sticking paper to people?"

"Look around you. What is your statue standing in?"

"Trees and rubble. So?"

The girl snapped her fingers. The crushed trees surged from the ground with new life, tightening around the statue like restraints.

The crazed expression returned to the priest. "Do you think this will stop me? As long as I have this stone, I can do anything!" The ring glowed briefly, and then faded. It then shattered into exactly one million pieces, which were swept away by the wind.

Edan turned to Alice. "You think we should assemble a ragtag band consisting of a lecherous monk, a demon hunter, a half demon, a fox demon child and a girl from another world to gather the pieces while being hounded by the servants of a powerful demon?"

Alice's despair was enough indication that she was in no mood for jokes.

They walked away in silence, leaving Cornello on top of the statue.

"Hey, someone get me down from here! Anyone?" Out of nowhere, an egg smashed into his forehead. As he moved around, blindly trying to remove the slimy insides, he lost his balance and fell to his death. Below, hidden in the trees, a beautiful woman, dressed in black, chuckled and put the carton of eggs back in her purse. She produced a walkie-talkie from said container.

She spoke into it, her voice barely above a whisper. "This is Warrior-Sue. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like our efforts in this town have failed. Oh, well. If at first you don't succeed…"

Dramatic music played in the background.

Some distance away, at a bus stop, Edan perked up at the tune. "Where is all this music coming from?"

The Elrics saw a cloaked figure running off, boom box in hand.

"Hey, come back here!" Needless to say, they gave chase.

The End of Those Who Challenged the Pun. But the ¼ Metal Author will return, in Episode 2: Mother…

I would really appreciate some reviews.


	6. Mother

The Muse's Quill bookstore, a single story Contemporary-style building located near Main Street, was a surprisingly popular for its small size. Everyday, many of the townspeople would visit to read and purchase books, magazines, newspapers, and more recently, DVDs.

It was here, that Alice found something of great sentimental value to Edan and her. That is, a copy of _Fanfiction and Author Power for N00bs and Morons_.

She gently tugged on Edan's sleeve. "Big brother, look what I found. Do you remember this book?"

He nodded in assent. "This is the manual we learned how to write from."

Suddenly, the world began to fade into darkness. Alice screamed with surprise. "Ahh! What's happening?"

Edan seemed to take the apparent enveloping of the world in complete darkness in stride. "Relax. The story's just going into a flashback."

* * *

"Witches! Black Magicians of evil! Come back here and take your punishment like men!"

"I'm not a man!" Alice shouted back her.

Linry Rockbell was chasing her neighbors, the Elrics, with a broom. It had all started when Alice found an Author manual at the local library. Edan and she developed their abilities quickly, and on this particular day, they had gone over to Linry's house to show her what they had learned. This did not sit well with Linry, who had just finished watching _Hocus Pocus_.

As soon as she entered the house, Alice hid behind her mother. Edan, the other hand, grabbed a straw from the kitchen and headed for the nearby lake. He would soon learn that this method of breathing under water only works in the movies.

Mrs. Elric smiled at the berserk Linry. "I'm assuming that there's an explanation for this."

"They were trying to steal my soul and leave by body for the lemmings!"

"You can't do that with Author Powers! Or can you? Hehehehehehe…."

Mrs. Elric and Linry stared wide-eyed at her.

"I mean, no, of course you can't."

* * *

Weeks later…

"I've done it! Yes!" Edan held up a rough model of a horse. "I've created something from a passage!"

Creation passages are the most basic of fanfiction procedures. Simply describe something in writing on any surface and use your abilities to make it appear.

"That looks really nice, big brother. Alice grinned, discreetly hiding her amazingly detailed, artist quality, nearly perfect figurine of a horse. "Why don't we go and show it to Linry?"

It was obvious to the siblings that something was wrong as soon as they entered the Rockbell house. The adults of the village were inside the house, talking with Linry's guardian. But most apparent was the fact that their friend was crying her eyes out.

"Are you okay? What happened?" Alice put an arm around Linry. Her figurine lay forgotten on the floor.

"It's my parents…" She choked out. "They've been killed… something about building a fire while pumping gas." The girl began crying anew.

Alice swallowed. "Our dad's gone too…"

"Don't be stupid, Alice!" Linry snapped at her. "Your dad just got up and left!"

The younger Elric recalled the incident bitterly. Hoenheim had said he was stepping out for some gum. Needless to say, he never returned.

"Does that mean he's coming back?" The normally aloof Edan spoke up. Alice scolded her brother for acting rude. Several of the adults, having over heard, walked over, angry expressions on their faces.

Alice and Edan landed with a thump outside of the Rockbell house.

"We really messed up, didn't we?"

"No kidding."

A short time later, a similar scene replayed in the Elric house. Trisha Elric became ill with an unknown disease. Doctors did not know if she would survive or not. So, the adults of the village came to help take care of Alice and Edan. They dumped their children in the village daycare, which was really just a giant cardboard box.

A week after she had taken sick, Trisha called for her son and daughter.

"There's some money in the cupboard upstairs. Take it in case you need to use it." She quieted for a moment. "I don't think I have much more time…"

"Don't talk that way, mom. You're going to get better." Alice tried her best to hold back her tears.

"Alice, Edan, could you please make me some flowers?"

"Okay, mom."

But, by the time they got back, they were already nailing Trisha's coffin shut. Alice buried her face in Edan's coat and wept. The elder Elric turned his head, so that his sister wouldn't see him crying. Several miles away, a cloaked figure was quickly making its way out of town. The figure swept back its hood to reveal itself as Mrs. Elric.

"Hmm… I wonder if faking my death, my illness, and fooling the dumb townspeople with a faux me for the sake of advancing the plot was the right thing to do…" She mused aloud.

"Yeah, probably." Trisha concluded. She continued on her path.

(Days later…)

Alice stared hard at Mrs. Elric's "grave". "I think we should try to bring her back."

Edan was shocked by her sudden announcement. "Where on earth did you get that idea?"

"She didn't deserve to die. Do you know why she left us so soon? It's because of our father."

"I was reading some of the books in our library last night when I came upon an interesting theory for human revival. The writer called it the Mary-Sue theory."

As soon as the words escaped her lips, the world seemed to undergo a short, minor cataclysm. Lighting flashed, thunder roared, fish floated to the surface of the waters they inhabited, dead. And to top it all off, musicians suddenly felt an irresistible urge to play the notes to a dramatic reverb.

"I'm about 90 percent sure that whatever powers that be just sent us a warning." said Edan.

"You're just being superstitious, big brother. Look, I'll say it again. The writer called it the Mary-Sue theory."

Lighting flashed, thunder roared, fish floated to the surface of the waters they inhabited, dead, and musicians suddenly felt an irresistible urge to play the notes to a dramatic reverb.

"Okay, now I'm 95 percent sure."


	7. Big Mistake

The laptop named in this chapter belongs to whoever invented it, and FMA belongs to Arakawa Hiromu. This chapter may contain references to certain video games, which I do not own.

"I'm telling you, this is a really bad idea." Edan waved a copy of _Revival Theory_ at Alice in a reprimanding sort of way.

"Why?" Alice smiled innocently.

"We could get killed."

"You, dear brother, are overreacting."

"We would be breaking dozens upon dozens of rules."

"No one would ever know. All we would need to do is gather a few materials, and maybe use our powers for a bit."

"I know you're hungry, but cooking with author power is not a good idea."

"Fine, then lets get back to those papers I found. You know, about Mary-"

Edan clamped a hand over her mouth. "Stop saying that.

In the immortal words of John Cleese: "And now for something completely different."

Leroy Mustang was not the type of man to be startled or scared by, well, anything. Known as the Flame Author (for his fire based passages), the Lt. Colonel had not only mastered the art of being stoic and impassive, he had perfected it. Legend had it that Mustang once stared down half a tank squadron, and demolished it without turning a hair. Besides, pyromaniacs like him tended to inspire fear, and not the other way around.

Looking at Mustang at this very moment, you'd never know that any of the previous words were true.

The tall, black-haired man ran for his life through the grassy landscape of Resmbool. But what was chasing him? An army of demons? A 200 foot tall colossus?

The world's fastest moving glacier (clocked at 2 miles per hour)?

None of the above. Mustang ran from the one thing he feared the most: water. Specifically, falling from the skies in the form of rain. To Leroy, each darkened cloud was a B-1, and each drop a bomb. Most writers with an affinity for fire disliked rain. Leroy took it one step further.

He had to get out of this world of watery death. If he could just make it to shelter. Mustang could see someone's house a short distance away. The occupants would probably let him stay for a few hours. It was raining after all. Sure, he could conceivably be a murderer or vampire, or a guy with strange taste in socks, but it was raining, for Pete's sake! Raining! Water!

"Have to make it to that house," he panted. "Have to make it to that house." Then something caught his eye.

"Have to burn that bush…"

Scene change!

Edan did not trust his sister's idea. "There has to be another way. I don't think anything good will come of this theory."

"Why would you think that?"

"Be cause after saying Mar- that word a few times, you've become very ill."

"My health has never been very good. Remember when we were little? I got colds whenever I was wet, and I got fevers because I ha d a cold, and an upset stomach because I was too warm, and…"

"Yeah, but is it even possible for humans to get dog fleas?"

Alice scratched herself vigorously. "No." She took various medications to counteract the cold, fever, flu, charley horse, and bad hair day she had contracted in the last 15 minutes. The flea bath would have to wait.

"All I'm saying is, there are other, less hazardous ways of reviving someone."

"Fine, then let's try one."

Edan placed a list on the table. He motioned to the first method (designated Plan A).

"First, we start by collecting all of the 1/21 soldiers. Then, we obtain an underwater materia and we take these items back to the City of the Ancients where we…oh, wait, this is a list of Aeris resurrection rumors."

He placed another list on the table.

"First, we hunt monsters in the Veldt until we encounter a Brachiosaur. Upon defeating it, we should receive an item called Reviver. When we pour this liquid over General Leo's grave…"

Edan grinned wryly. "Nevermind."

He placed yet another list on the table.

"I have been researching an ancient art known as alchemy. Many books on this art speak of a "Philosopher's Stone", which could be used to revive people."

Some 2,000 miles away, a lawyer stirred from a sound sleep. He had the uncanny feeling that somewhere, he was needed.

Alice raised an eyebrow. "How do you perform alchemy?"

Her brother shrugged.

The lawyer turned over and went back to sleep. The feeling had passed.

Edan sighed. "I guess we'll have to stick with your plan." He said resignedly.

"I'd be happy that I was right, but I have the feeling that no good will come of it now."

Scene change!

Lieutenant Mustang knocked gently on the door of the Rockbell residence. The writer couldn't quite put his finger on it, but there was something strangely familiar about this place. When Linry opened the door, everything came together.

_My God…This girl! Those doctors that I executed were carrying a picture of her and this house. She must be their daughter!_

"Um, hello."

Leroy responded with a stream of barely coherent speech. "Hello, girl-whom-I-have-never-met-and-whose-parents-I-never-met-or-killed!"

"Of course couldn't have met them. They died in a freak gas pumping accident."

"Right, and not from a bullet to the brain."

"If you say so."

Both Linry and Leroy felt that something was amiss. With a quick glance at their scripts, everything became clear.

"You weren't supposed to arrive at my house until Alice and Edan did." Linry indicated a page of her script.

"So what do we do now?"

"Just…wait, I guess."

Meanwhile…

"Alright, we have all the ingredients necessary to make a human." Alice dusted her hands off.

Pure carbon, lime, phosphorous, water and other materials lay in a heap on top of the magic circle. The method for creating a Mary-Sue differed from normal characters. Because such characters were made by bringing a human back to life, one had to have a human body available, or as in this case, the ingredients for one. The character description for a Sue couldn't generate a body, after all. With normal characters, on the other hand, earth-based materials, such as soil and rock could be used to provide a body.

"Are we all set, big brother?"

"Nearly. We have one last thing to do." Producing a pocketknife, Edan cut his index finger open. He bade Alice to do the same. "We have to sign our passage in blood."

Alice gulped nervously when he mentioned the character description. She didn't want to tell him, but she had felt strange while they were writing the character description. Almost guilty, like she was committing some sort of crime.

Edan bandaged his finger. "You ready, sis?"

Alice grabbed her brother's hand and held it tightly. "Yeah. I'm ready."

They placed the scroll containing the character description on top of the heap. The siblings took a deep breath and focused their energies on the passage.

You guys know what happens next, right?


	8. Pairings and Screaming

Disclaimer: The views on the pairings mentioned in this chapter (Roy and Edward, Alphonse and Edward) do not necessarily reflect the views of the author.

Episode 23a: Pairings and Screaming

"Ugh. What happened last night?"

Edan awoke to a dark, smoke filled room and a blistering headache. The writer placed a hand to his temple as he attempted to recall what had just taken place. Slowly, it all came back to him: The attempt to revive their mother, the Mary-Sue character description, the monster scroll attacking him and Alice. Alice! Where was she?

He walked around the room, looking for her. Edan then happened upon a horrible sight. A monkey was being swallowed by a crocodile, which was being strangled by a python, who was being set upon by millions of bees. He turned away and continued searching for his sister. The author gave no thought to how these animals got into his house.

Alice, sans left arm, was found lying in a puddle of her blood. Five feet away from Edan. The elder Elric immediately came up with an excuse for his stupid mistake. The smoke was obscuring his vision. Yes, that sounded plausible. Then, reality reared its ugly head.

"Alice! Are you okay? What happened to Mother?"

"It wasn't human…" Her voice was barely loud enough to hear. "It would only talk in 1337-speak, and it narrated anything it did."

She pointed to what looked like a heap of bloody flesh lying in the corner.

She coughed. "I'm so sorry, big brother."

"For what?"

"You know, for what I had to do to keep you alive."

"What did you do?"

"You really don't know?"

"Tell me."

Alice smiled as sweetly and innocently as one could while covered in blood, exhausted, and missing an arm. "Oh… nothing."

"Come on, tell me."

"It's not important."

"Tell me!"

"Promise not to scream?"

"Promise."

Alice pulled a mirror from her pocket. Edan looked into it, expecting his own reflection. To say he was disappointed would be an understatement. He saw a twisted parody of himself, covered in chain tattoos. Staring back at him, was a gaunt, much older teenager. Edan gasped. His skin was an unearthly pale color. We're not talking pasty faced here. I mean, chalk, bone, or Pillsbury Doughboy (Which I do not own) stark white. And his eyes! They were blood red! Edan couldn't help it. He screamed. Long and loud.

"You promised you wouldn't scream!"

"What the hell did you do? I look like the living dead!"

"You are, in a manner of speaking."

"What am I, a vampire?"

"A wraith, actually."

"What?"

"I'm sorry." Alice said again. "That scroll exploded after it attacked. After it was all over, there wasn't much left of you except your soul. I used my arm as a source of energy to affix that to one of my characters. I couldn't lose you too, big brother. But, I can understand if you can't forgive me."

"I meant, what is a wraith?"

"Oh."

There was another knock on the door of the Rockbell house.

Linry opened it, only to discover a demented looking Edan, carrying a bloody, wounded, apparently lifeless Alice. She screamed. Long and loud.

Edan winced. "Thanks for shattering my eardrums."

"Edan, you've killed Alice!"

"No, I didn't."

"Look at her! She's deader than last autumn's leaves!"

"She's still breathing. Look, can we come in? I really need to bandage these wounds."

"I thought you cared about her! In fact, I thought you guys loved each other."

"Well…"

"I meant romantically."

"That's sick! She's my sister!"

"Pairings between your counterparts, to wit, Edward and Alphonse, are fairly common."

"This is a parody, for Pete's sake!"

"Let's review the evidence here."

Linry produced a projector, screen, laser pointer, and spectacles. She tapped a button on the projector.

"A couple years ago, I saw Alice fall asleep with her head in your lap."

The projector revealed a picture of this.

"We were 11 and 9. That little instant didn't mean anything romantic."

Click. A picture of the author, a short teenager with disheveled black hair that would make a porcupine shriek, appeared on the screen. He was sleeping in an upended chair, his drool forming puddles on the ground.

"Thus far, all parodied versions of the Full Metal Alchemist characters are exaggerated versions of their former selves. This means that, at least to some degree, you must behave similarly to Ed and Al."

"In conclusion, there is no reason for you to kill me like you did Alice, just because I suspected you two of having a… you know, that kind of relationship."

It was then she realized that she was alone. A sign stood in front of her read, "I didn't kill Alice. Goodbye." Linry found that the door to her house was locked.

Inside, Linry's aunt cleaned and bound Alice's various wounds.

"So, how did this happen?" The woman asked suspiciously.

Edan made a valiant attempt at a plausible answer. Trust me, he really gave it his best shot.

"Err… Lawnmower accident. And then, I accidentally took some pills, which is why I look like this."

Let's give him an A for effort, shall we?

Leroy, in the meantime, was sleeping in the middle of the floor. Linry's aunt (hereafter referred to as Mrs. Rockbell) kicked him.

"Wake up, that was your cue."

"Right." Mustang lept to his feet and went outside. There was an awkward silence.

Someone knocked on the door. Mrs. Rockbell opened it to find Leroy Mustang standing on her porch, an enraged Linry behind him.

"My name is Leroy Mustang, of the State military."

Edan stood, hearing the pyromaniacal writer speak. He turned around to get a look at Mustang, but all he saw (before everything went black) was the massive wrench speeding toward his face.

Linry grinned, the picture of violent triumph, as she put her foot on Edan's chest. "That's for locking me outside, Elric!"

Alice awoke to the sound of metal connecting to her brother's head. However, she didn't even notice the elder Elric twitching on the floor. All her attention was devoted to Mustang.

She sighed. "I think I'm in love."

Leroy sighed, although for a different reason. "Where do fans come up with this stuff?"


	9. The chaos, er, Journey begins

I don't own the _Six-Million Dollar Man_. Or was it five? Hmm… Anyway, this chapter's going to be rather short. Before you go starting any angry mobs, keep in mind that the chapters are based on episodes of FMA. When an episode finishes, so does a chapter. Enjoy!

"We can rebuild her." Quoted Linry. "We have the technology. We can make her stronger, smarter, and faster than ever before."

"Did you have to say that?"

Alice lay on an operating table, covered in a long white sheet. Gathered around her were Mrs. Rockbell, Edan, and Linry. Leroy had stepped outside, for reasons unknown. They carried a variety of tools, some surgical and some not. Let's hope they don't get mixed up, huh?

Alice sat up. "Uh, before you start sawing me and whatnot, tell me what this operation is for."

"We're attaching an artificial arm to your body, since you lost the first one during your little experiment."

"Actually, I used my arm to affix my brother's soul to a character. I lost my appendix and gall bladder during the 'experiment'. Weird, really. I saw them float out of my body and dissipate."

Edan stood. "Your appendix and gall bladder? The two organs you don't need?"

Alice nodded.

Edan started toward the door. "Excuse me."

Outside, he screamed so loudly, that everyone was nearly deafened.

Edan reentered the house. "Okay, I'm fine now."

Linry picked up a saw. "Right, let's begin.

"Wait!" cried Alice. "I'm still awake."

"Sorry." She took out her wrench.

Alice's hair stood on end as she remembered what happened to her brother. Her eyes went wide, and rolled back in her head as she collapsed onto the operating table.

Linry picked up one of her arms and let it fall limp on the table. "Who needs anesthetic?"

She cracked her knuckles and they got to work.

* * *

The operating table shook crazily as Alice thrashed. Tools fell to the ground.

"Please stop thrashing, Alice! We have to make sure that the automail is secure!"

"I don't think she's thrashing because you're attaching the automail to her nerves. She's thrashing because you've put both of your tool boxes on top of her. She can't breathe."

"Oh. Whoops."Linry quickly removed them.

* * *

Leroy hefted a trunk large enough to hold a half grown rhinoceros. He brought it to the floor with a thud that shook everything for a radius of three miles.

Some distance away, a dire situation was taking place. What started as a bank holdup suddenly turned into a hostage situation. The culprit, desperate to get away from the police, had grabbed a teller in a headlock and put a gun to his throat. The police had dispatched their best sniper to deal with the robber. However, a problem appeared: the night before, the sniper had downed more alcohol than legal in many countries on a bet. Indeed, then man in question was currently trying to light the end of his Remington M24 SWS, complaining about the size of the cigar he had received.

Note the position of one of his fingers: curled around the trigger. After the drinking contest, force of habit was all the guy had left. This becomes important as soon as the shockwave from Leroy's luggage reaches the drunken officer.

The miniature quake knocked him for a loop, and then faded. This bump caused the man to accidentally pull the trigger, firing a bullet into the robber's thigh. The thief collapsed in pain.

"Hey, look," slurred the officer. "I won!"

The initial brunt of the shockwave had floored everyone in the Rockbell house.

"Watch it!" Linry helped her aunt to stand. "Who knows what consequences such a shock could have?"

* * *

"My apologies." Leroy opened the trunk. "So, I suppose you're wondering why I came to this town."

"Not really."

"In any case, I have come to make you two an offer. In two months, the military will be conducting a test, welcome to all comers. Whoever passes this test will become an Author of the State."

He pulled two cards from the trunk. "Here are two admission tickets to the test. If you would like to join the military, report to Central City in March."

Edan stared pensively at the card. "Alice, what do you think?"

"As long as Leroy is there, I'd go to the ends of the earth." A few valentine hearts floated up from the ground as she grinned.

"Should have known. Sounds tempting, Mr. Mustang, but I think I'll pass."

"Suit yourself. But I just want to mention that Authors have complete access to Central City Library, including all the restricted books on fanfiction from which one could learn how to, I dunno, restore the bodies of their sibling and them."

"Well…"

"Plus, we have really good health and dental plans."

"Since you put it that way, I'm in!"

"Good." He pulled out two enormous application forms from the trunk. "Fill these out, please."

The Elric siblingshad difficulty writing their applications.

"Why on earth do we have to know our great-aunt's favorite color?" Alice tugged at her ponytail in frustration.

Edan scratched his head. "I'm going to put 'woodchucks would chuck five pounds of wood' if they could chuck wood. What about you, Alice?"

She didn't reply. Alice had stumbled upon the most unusual question of all. "'What is your mental problem?' I don't have a mental problem."

"Oh, that's not good. Being crazy is a requirement for being an Author or high ranking military member. Why, look at me! I'm a ravin' pyro!"

He lit a house plant on fire. Luckily, Linry was around to put it out, as well as tie the Author up.

Alice adjusted her glasses. "Still, I'm not crazy."

"Sis, you keep a list of people's names entitled 'Exact Terrible Vengeance for calling me short'."

"And you, big brother, used to eat bugs to terrify the other kids."

"It was first grade! Can't you ever let me live it down?"

Alice giggled. "Never."

There was a lot of preparation involved in leaving for Central City to become State authors. For quite some time, the Elrics honed their writing and fighting skills under an instructor. On they day before they left, they decided to burn their childhood home, in order to put their old lives completely behind them. Unfortunately, they found that someone had beaten them to it.

Someone with dark hair and a penchant for lighting fires.

So… how about some reviews?


	10. The Man with the Automail Gun

Episode 47: The Not-So-Great Train Robbery

Word.: Indicates a caption.

"From there, take the train to Central City."

"Alright. See you then, sweetie!"

"Don't call me sweetie, Elric."

Colonel Leroy Mustang hung up the phone. He really should have gotten Hawkeye to give Elric the directions to Central. The kid wouldn't dare to mouth off to the gunslinger Lieutenant. That woman could scare a dragon.

A .45 slug zipped out of nowhere to bury itself mere inches from a rather…sensitive part of the Colonel's anatomy.

_And possibly read minds,_ thought the Colonel.

The Central Express had an old steam driven engine, quite out of place in the train station, what with all the monorails transporting people about. In fact, the train resembled something out of an old black and white movie about a gang of robbers taking over a locomotive. Which isn't to say that this was important to the plot, or anything.

However, the train did still work quite well, Alice thought, as she stuck her head out the window. She inhaled, enjoying the feeling of the wind in her hair. A small grin began to appear on her face. This grin disappeared as her face connected to a metal pole. She swayed for a second or two, and then sank to the floor.

Alice woke up to the sight of a massive audience. She looked around to discover that she was in an auditorium, and clearly the orator. The girl walked to the podium and began speaking.

"Ahem. I am honored to address this assembly of the half the people in the world, and the other half watching by television. My name is Alice Elric, and I am afflicted with quite possibly the worst case of urinary incontinence in history. I also forgot to wear clothes."

Alice awoke with a shriek that echoed throughout the train, shattering windows, glasses, and an opaque glass box marked, "Giant Insect".

The little girl standing next to her smiled. "Oh good, you're finally awake. Do you know how long I've been poking you?"

"No, not really."

"That's a shame, because I can't tell time, yet."

Alice smiled at her. "What's your name?"

"Melanie, but everyone calls me Mel."

"Mel, do you know where my brother went?"

"That funny looking man with the silly coat?"

"I made him that coat, you little…I mean, yes."

"Right over there."

Edan entered the car, covered in a viscous green substance. He had what appeared to be a giant antenna through his right arm.

"Edan, what happened?"

"It's better that I not tell you."

"Fair enough. Well, my concussion is about to rear its ugly head again. Good night!" This time, Edan caught her before she collapsed on the floor.

By sheer coincidence, riding in the next car was the Military's famous General Hakuro. Naturally, such an important officer always had security detail protecting him. In this case, his guards took the form of four armed soldiers.

However, two of the guards (Hereafter referred two as Guards 1 & 2) had reason to believe that their fellow security officers (Hereafter referred to as Suspicious Guards 1 & 2) had something planned against the General.

Perhaps it was the way that the Suspicious Guards read their "to do" lists. "Buy groceries, pick up dry cleaning, and help to kidnap General Hakuro."

"Hey!" Shouted Guard 1. " We suspect you're up to something!"

Suspicious Guard 2 grumbled and tossed a whoopee cushion, joy buzzer, and Britney Spears CD on the ground.

"That's not what we meant."

"Oh, s—t, they're on to us! Get the piano! Minor Key!"

An old piano, complete with musician, fell through the roof of the train car as the world faded to black and white.

An silent movie tune began playing as the Suspicious Guards put on cowboy hats and shot the two guards. A group of bandits leapt through the hole in the roof, led by a large man with a strangely built automail arm. The artificial limb was equipped with what appeared to be a modified submachine gun. He loaded the weapon.

Alright, boys, let's go capture the General!

Walking up to a door in the hallway, the bandits smashed it in with a battering ram. Inside, they found a man relieving himself.

What the f—k do you think you're doing?

Oops.

Several cars down…

Big brother, I think something's wrong.

Hmm…

Well, it's just that, the world is black and white, and everytime I talk, we cut to a caption reading what I said. Also, the background music stinks.

Edan leapt to his feet. At that moment, two armed bandits entered the car.

Alright, hands up! Everyone drop your money and valuables!

We're kidnappers, not thieves.

Yeah, but I forgot my lunch money, and I'm hungry.

Several more cars down…

"Hughes, I fail to see what your wife has to do with the current status of the train."

Through telephone, Lt. Colonel Maes Hughes was informing Mustang of the situation. Or he would have, if he had not been preoccupied with informing Mustang of his wife, now eight months pregnant.

Oh, we're under attack. The bandits have moved swiftly and stealthily, totally overwhelming the guards, as well as capturing the passenger cars. Anyway, back to Gracia…

"Shut up!" Leroy snapped his fingers in frustration, setting fire to a house plant.

To be continued…


	11. TMAG part 2, or Leroy Who?

Disclaimer: The writer has no claim to Full Metal Alchemist or related works.

No people were harmed in the making of this chapter. But in the last chapter, Alice got it big time! You should have seen the look on her face when she was pole axed by that pole! Hahahaha!

Ahem. On with the show…

_Word_: Caption containing spoken words. Not to be confused with actions, descriptions, etc.

Last time on the show, Alice and Edan were shocked to find that their train to Central City had been attacked by bandits, hoping to kidnap General Hakuro of the military. As of this moment, the train is slowly being overrun. The Elric siblings will have to fight their way out of this situation to have any chance of ever making it to Central City, and the State Author Exam!

Episode 20: The number of the Episode has little to no significance at best!

Edan, someone's trying to fight back. Let's go help them!

A member of the military was indeed making an attempt to resist the bandits. He was a slightly graying, middle aged man by the name of Sergeant Vard Falman. Sad to say, the fact that Falman had left his gun in a faraway country, two years ago, somewhat hindered this attempt.

_Drop your weapons and put your hands in the air!_ Falman had the fingers of his left hand in the time honored "false gun" gesture.

You have to admire him for trying, though.

The bandits exchanged a look. Then, they promptly shot the Sergeant in the foot, incapacitating him. Luckily, this gave the Elrics a chance to take them by surprise.

Alice clenched a piece of paper in her automail hand, transforming it into a short sword. She then realized that Edan and an unknown man were already tying the bandits up. Dismally, she dropped the sword on the ground. And realized that she had removed her artificial hand.

Alice's screams echoed throughout the train once again.

In the engine room…

The bandit leader burst into the room, weapon at the ready.

_Okay! Don't nobody move!_

Everyone continued about their business.

_Hey didn't you hear me? Don't nobody move!_

The conductor spoke up. _Ah, but that's a double negative, meaning that you want everyone to continue moving. _

_Oh, sorry. My mistake. Ahem. Nobody move! This is a hijacking! _

One of the workers in charge of shoveling coal into the engine was rapidly turning blue. _Uh, sir? What about breathing? _

_Um, that's okay, I guess. _

He took a grateful gasp of air. _Thank God for that._

Another worker piped up. _Nobody move? What, I'm supposed to keep myself from digesting, somehow?_

The leader put his palm to his face. _Okay, let me make it clearer. I meant no one make any movements that could conceivably interfere with my-_

_Our! _His cronies yelled.

_-Our hijacking of this train. How do you yell when the world is in silent movie mode, anyway? _

The conductor stood again. _Does me wrestling you guys to the ground and tying you up count as interference? _

_Of course it does!_

A worker raised his hand and waved it excitedly. _Ooh, how about shooting you guys with tranquilizer darts?_

_Duh! _

The worker shot one of the bandits. The leader growled and snatched the gun from him.

_I thought you meant "Duh", as in yes. _

_Oh, forget it. Boys, knock 'em out! _

_Eww, boss. We don't swing that way! _

_I didn't mean knock 'em out knock 'em out, I meant knock them out! _

…_What? _

In another car…

Edan watched his sister in amazement.

_Alice, I've never seen you fight like this before. I knew our teacher said that you were talented, but this is beyond anything you've done before. _

The girl in question tore through another rank of thugs. _I'm only doing it to get away from him! _

She motioned to Hughes, who was administering a coup de grace to the fallen thugs in the form of a conversation about his beloved wife.

She growled. That's it, I can't take anymore! I'll meet you in the engine room, brother. Alice climbed through the roof of the train car.

She soon regretted this decision. The winds on the roof howled, whipping at her dress and nearly levitating her clean off the train.

Only by repeating to herself that she didn't have to listen to Hughes was Alice able to make it to the engine room.

Meanwhile…

Edan became uncharacteristically angry. _Dang it, Hughes! Can't you do anything but talk? I know that you didn't receive that military rank for no reason! _

_Okay…_ He produced a jar of pills. _When I take these pills, I become a vicious fighter whose skill knows no bounds! _

_Whatever. Let's go. Pill popper… _

At the engine room…

_Give it up! You've got nowhere to run!_

Alice raised an eyebrow at the leader, who was surrounded by Hughes, Edan, and the train staff. _What do you mean? You're the one without anywhere to run!_

The bandit leader dashed forward, ripping clear out of his bonds. He straightened his arm, and a blade flicked out of his automail hand.

Alice smirked. _You think you can stop me with that toy? I'm a freaking author, you idiot! I'll crush you like a grape! _

For the first time, the thug showed signs of hesitation. _Really? _

_Well, no. But rules of engagement dictate that the combatants are supposed to banter before they fight._ She tied a strip of paper to her arm. The metal liquefied, reforming itself as a rapier.

Her opponent chuckled throatily.

_What?_

_You're going to crush me with a metal toothpick?_

_It's a rapier, a deadly weapon in its own right. _

_Toothpick._

_Rapier!_

_Toothpick!_

_Rapier!_

Alice suddenly found herself swinging in circles, her right leg in the bandit leader's grip. With a laugh, the man released her. The momentum carried her right into the next car.

She weakly lifted her head. _This has been a great day for my brain…_ Her eyes closed and she passed out.

The bandit leveled his automail gun at Maes Hughes. _Time to die, dog of the military!_

Suddenly, the arm shattered. The thug's eyes widened in shock. The piano player cranked out a quick "Funeral March", and shock became cold fear, as the instrument fell in pieces. Meanwhile, Hughes leaned idly against the wall, twirling a throwing knife.

The bandit fell to his knees. "NOOO!" He cried, as color slowly came back into the world, along with sound. "Powers draining…away. Oh, what a world, what a world!"

"Dude, it's just a piano."

Later, at the Central City station, Mustang congratulated the Elrics on their rescue of the train.

Alice responded, "Thanks! Who are you?"

Edan silently mused over which blow to the head caused her memory loss.

Just as army personnel were loading the bandits on to the police van, the bandit leader escaped from his bonds again. However, this was to be expected, considering that he had been tied up with Twizzlers®. He rushed Mustang, screaming.

Mustang casually removed an old laptop from the briefcase he carried and typed a few words on it. A curtain of flame roared forth, toasting his would be assailant.

"By the way," he remarked. "I never did get your name."

The other coughed. "It's Bald."

Laughter echoed throughout the train station.

End of Man with the Automail Gun. But the ¼ Metal Author will return, in Episode 12: Worse than the SAT!

Secondary disclaimer: Due to complaints by the Society for Humane Treatment of Bandits, Vagabonds, and Rogues in General, the writer would like to apologize for the characters of (Parody)Bald and his comrades. They are not to be taken as accurate representations of the average Bandit, Vagabond, etc. In addition, the personality of (Parody)Maes Hughes was the result of a semi-deranged mind.


	12. Divine Retribution

Chapter 12: Worse Than the SAT!

Melanie walked up to Alice, carrying a small package. She smiled.

"My mom wants me to tell you that she's very grateful for what you and your brother did today. You guys just about saved our lives."

Alice refused the proffered package.

"Thanks, but I can't accept this."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know who you are."

Nearby, Edan rolled his eyes. He knew all those blows to the head would take their toll on Alice.

Central City: a sprawling (unoriginally named, before the creation of West and East City) metropolis, home to hundreds of thousands of people. The city was one of those most affected by Amestris's move from an agricultural to an industrial economy. Skyscrapers, office buildings and shopping malls were joined by so many factories, it was a wonder that smog didn't black out the sky.

Edan, having lived in the country for most of his life, was concerned more with sight seeing than finding the headquarters of the military. He was taking pictures to send home, when he remembered that his house had burnt down. His sister, on the other hand, was busy telling a pigeon about the "nice man" who said that he was her older brother.

However, Edan's relatively good mood would not last.

The aforementioned author slammed a fist on Leroy Mustang's desk, nearly cracking it.

"What do mean, another month until the exam?"

"What part of that phrase don't you understand?" Mustang casually repaired his desk with a passage. "The State Author exam doesn't begin until April."

"Then why did you tell us to come so early?"

"First of all, I thought you would appreciate the time to practice. Secondly, I don't particularly like you that much."

Alice tugged on her brother's sleeve.

"Not now," he responded. "Where do we stay until then? We can't afford to stay at a hotel for a month!"

"Relax. I've made some housing arrangements for you two. And by the way, listen to what your sister has to say."

Edan knelt to meet Alice's eye. "Yeah?"

She pointed to his hand. To the author's horror, he found it impaled on a spindle, from when he had slammed his hand on the desk. It wasn't that it hurt (he can't feel pain anymore, remember?), it's just that nobody likes the sight of a piece of metal skewering their hand. His screams echoed throughout the city.

The Lt. Colonel had referred the authors to a man named Shou Tucker, also known as the Sewing Character Author. Something occurred to Edan during the walk to Tucker's house. Amnesia had most likely taken away his sister's memories of their hometown, their mother, and a host of other traumatic experiences. He took a breath to calm himself. Alright, things were not as bad as they looked. As long as he could avoid any references to their hometown or their past until Alice got her memory back…

"Ed, why do I have a metal arm?"

Edan flung his head skyward. "What did I do to deserve this? Besides committing blasphemy in the form of Author Power usage. And killing a few bandits on that train. And creating an affront to nature in the form of a Mary-Sue."

A booming voice echoed from the heavens. "Well, you did slash the tires on your 7th grade teacher's car…"

The next chapter will be longer. I promise. As if I am setting the bar too high…


End file.
